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Day 9: The 100% Honesty Project

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Clay Chimenea

It has been a few days since my last Truth Experiment Update and I have oodles to share.   So far, the experience has been mostly positive, though at times, uncomfortable.  I’ll start with the positives.

Honesty and Family

Last Saturday was Cousin Night at Ben’s House.  Picture this: 5 cousins, 2 family friends and a black cat gathered around an outside patio table, lots of beer, a few cigarettes, grilled bratwurst and fire in a terracotta clay chimenea.

I am the first to arrive, followed by my cousin, Kamryn.  With a gleam in her eye, the first thing she says to me is  “Oooh! I have so many questions!!”  Naturally, my cousins  have been following the blog and find the Truth Experiment an opportune time to get me to “spill the dirt”.  I say okay.

It feels like playing a game of Truth or Dare, but without the Dare.  I answer a lot of questions about my sex life and this sets a precedent of openess for the rest of the night.  As more cousins show up, I get to hear all kinds of “most embarassing sex” stories.

At one point Ben asks if I want the regular bratwurst or the Spicy Italian Sausage.  I say “the spicy sausage gives me diarrhea. I’ll take the bratwurst.”  With a singsong voice he says “I love this Truth Experiment”  As you might have guessed, Ben’s mind lives in The Gutter and only takes short vacations for things like Grocery Shopping and Earning an Income.  This is one of my favorite things about him.

Honesty and Friendship

The night continues on and I get the chance to have an in-depth conversation with my friend Amanda who I’ve known since childhood.  For whatever reasons we grew apart during adolescence and only recently reconnected when our 10 year high school reunion came around.

As it turns out, Amanda is struggling with many of the same issues that I’m struggling with.  Maybe it’s because we’re both single, 30-something  daughters of divorcées, searching for someone who will return love with the same fervence that we give it.  If it weren’t for the Truth Experiment I probably wouldn’t have invited Amanda to Cousin Night for fear that she would say “No” and I would feel rejected.  But it felt more honest to ask her to come.  So I did, and she said yes (more like “hell yeah!”) and now I feel grateful to have a friend with such a beautiful heart.

This experiment is leading me to be more open and honest about my wants, my thoughts and feelings, and I think it’s leading my friends and family to be more open and honest with me in return.  Another friend recently left a voicemail just to tell me that she’s sick and feeling grumpy and that she likes my blog.  I’m glad she told me.  Today, a coworker texted me a picture of his vomit in the company trashcan. Gee thanks, Ducky.  I’m not sure about the benefit of that one, but I’m happy he felt safe enough to share.

Honesty and Self-Awareness

While my honesty seems to be strengthening my relationships with the people I love, it has been difficult maintaining the self-awareness required for being honest at all times.

Self-awareness is difficult for many reasons.  It takes a lot of mental energy.  What’s harder is that it has forced me to face some truths about myself that I was blissfully ignoring.

Here is a list of them.  I’ll start with the easiest stuff first:

1)  I’ve gained 20 pounds within the past 2 years.  I haven’t been motivated to lose the weight because I feel just as sexy now (or more so) than I did back when I was thinner. This is confusing to me since I spent a good 20 years loathing my body for my flat chest and disproportionately large butt and thighs. I once thought my boyfriend-of-5-years was completely nuts for loving my pear shape. Now it seems I do too.  I actually like my cellulite dimples. Yes. I have them.  Lots of them.  Liking cellulite sounds insane.  Maybe the pain of our breakup (the primary cause of my weight gain) has made me go crazy.

At this point you’re probably wondering “if you love your fat so much, why is this difficult to acknowledge?”  For two reasons: (1) I signed up for a Tough Mudder Race in January, and I’m not sure I can haul my big ass over the multiple 12 ft barracades and (2) I’m afraid there aren’t any other men out there crazy enough to love my cellulite too.  I really want to be in love again.

2)  I’ve been irresponsible with my finances and have gathered close to $7000 in credit card debt and $27,000 in student loans.  I’m incredibly embarassed by this and afraid this will also keep me from finding love again. The reasons for the debt are many.  In th midst of my breakup, I was depressed and quit my job thinking I could easily find a new one.  That had always been the case in the past.

This time I was wrong.  I was jobless for 5 months.  My savings quickly dried up and I relied on credit cards to stay afloat.  Eventually I got the job I have now, which was a great step in the direction of my career, but pays significantly less than what I am worth.  What’s worsened the problem is that I ‘ve continued to overspend as a way of coping with the loss of a relationship I loved ( a.k.a. consumerism as therapy).  I wish I had found better ways of coping.

3)  I love my work, but I hate my job.  My life’s work is centered around providing support and guidance to people facing major life change.  I’ve always known this, but it was never so clear as it is now. When I meet with clients and dive into coaching them through problem solving, I feel completely alive, as if my every ounce of skill, life-experience and creativity are integrating to fully serve this person in this moment.  It’s a great feeling, but it’s only one part of my job.

The other parts of my job have become boring at best and repugnant at worst.  I know I could be more effective, that I could be contributing more to the well-being of others, but I’m limited by the confines of the company I work for.  Yes, I already knew this, but the Truth Experiment has made it painfully blaring and unavoidable.  I’m desperate to get out, but scared to take the plunge, especially considering my financial situation.  Knowing myself, I’m going to do it, it’s just a matter of time.  That scares me.

Already this exercise in honesty and self-awareness is awakening dreams I wouldn’t usually dare to let rise to the surface.  Lately I’ve been thinking adventurous thoughts like: wouldn’t it be a good idea to sell most of my belongings, buy a van and tour the west coast to do a mini-documentary about honesty?  Yikes!  Do you have thoughts like this?  Have you ever done something brave because you could no longer stand your current situation?



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